they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
