i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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