Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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