awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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