my being single is dangerous.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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