Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize