The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
