Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
