You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Randomize
