its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
