every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
