Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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