I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Randomize
