You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
