Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
