I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Randomize
