An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
