i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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