This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
