i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
