I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
