how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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