thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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