We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
