I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
