Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
