remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
