How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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