i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
