I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize