the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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