I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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