it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
