...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
