She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
