I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
never play flip cup with pint glasses
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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