so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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