are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
