my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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