not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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