you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
