Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So apparently I’m into choking now
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