I'm so fucking centered right now
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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