and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
