guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize
