I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
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