u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
