I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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