I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
