I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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