guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
