I'm so fucking centered right now
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
