His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Someone came in the potted fern
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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