god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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