My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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