i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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