Just fell off a train. Bad.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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