her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Hippo gnu deer
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
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