If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
