what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
