if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
