My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
