I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize