I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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