If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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