Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
