Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
